If you don't want me to push your buttons, 
don't hand me the remote!

One of the hardest parts of parenting grandchildren is dealing with their parents. Often the parent feels anger and guilt because they failed to parent and see you doing a better job of it. Rather than focus on improving their own shortcomings the parents blame you. Since the problem adult in our lives is the same child we lovingly raised he or she knows us too well. When conflict arises he or she knows just what buttons to push to get the response he or she wants. The best way to deal with a problem adult that is pushing buttons is to remove the batteries from the remote. The best response to unreasonable adult behavior is no response at all.

I used to feel honor bound to defend myself from the baseless accusations my daughter made against me. Things like, “You stole my child!” and “You don’t care about me.” were just the buttons that sent me into long tearful arguments with my daughter.  The thing is I wanted her to understand why I did the things I did. The problem was that she did not want to understand. She wanted to fight. She needed to prove to herself and the world that I was the crazy one. By fighting with her I helped her do that. Then I got smarter.

I decided one day that this constant bickering between my daughter and I was doing none of us any good. I began to set limits on how I was willing to be treated. When my daughter called on the phone and was polite we talked. If she started using profanity or making accusations I hung up. It’s amazing how fast a person’s attitude can change when the phone keeps going dead in their ear.

When my daughter was here to visit I kept those batteries out of the remote. If she accused me of stealing her child I just said. “Dear I am where I am because of my choices and you are where you are because of yours.” Then I calmly left the room. Just because she was spoiling for a fight did not mean I had to accommodate her. 

Often when my daughter was down and out she would call asking for help. Sometimes if there was something I could do to help her without feeding her addiction I would help her. If she was hungry I could buy her dinner. If she was cold I could give her a coat. Other times she asked for things I am unable or unwilling to provide. At those times I had to say no in the gentlest way possible without giving in to the button of guilt that she was using to get her way.

Sometimes the button she pushed was labeled “Fear”. My daughter knew that the thing I was most afraid of is that she would take the child into her life of darkness. She knew I would do anything humanly possible to protect Danni. She used my fear to try and get what she wanted. Then a wise lawyer told me, “Don’t worry till you are served with papers. Then if you are served, call me and we will handle things together” Taking that advice was one of the smartest thing I ever did. When a bio blows smoke just turn on the fan and let it dissipate without choking.

The hardest button to disconnect was called “Love”. No matter what she did and how she acted she is my daughter and I will always love her. But loving someone does not mean you are duty bound to take responsibility for the problems that do not belong to you. If we keep rescuing our problem adults from the effects of their actions we rob them of the very experience that can make them want to change their lives. Sometimes love means that you must do nothing so that the person with the problem can feel the pain and find a way out of the darkness she has created. When I finally loved my daughter enough to let her fall she picked her self up, dusted herself off and changed her life.

It’s scary when we take back the remote and refuse to allow our problem adult to push our buttons. But once we do life usually improves for us all