RESPONDING TO ANGER

By Kathy Reynolds

      If the demands of parenting grandchildren are not enough to deal with, many of us have the additional problem of dealing with an angry out of control child who acts out at the worst possible moments. 
     We can’t forget that most children who come to live with their grandparents have started off in life less than ideal conditions. Most times children come to us only after they have been neglected, abandoned and abused. They feel cast aside before they reach their grandparents’ home the behavior patterns and self-defense systems are solidly in place at a very early age. 
     Parenting grandparents are usually the most convenient and safest targets for their grandchildren's ambivalent feelings toward their parents.  When children come to trust that their grandparents will love them no matter what, they feel safe in expressing the anger that they feel towards their parents. Unfortunately children do not usually express that anger in appropriate ways and often the target of their anger is not directed at the one who caused them harm. Instead of calling the parent who blew off a promised visit and venting their anger on him or her, the child goes into a rage and trashes his or her room or does something even worse. 
     Some children trap their anger inside, blaming themselves for not being worthy of their parents' love and attention. These children will appear withdrawn, non-communicative, and sad. Others will direct their anger outward in irrational and unpredictable ways. They refuse to follow rules, behave disrespectfully, or become rebellious and defiant. 
Rather than believe that their parent has done something wrong, some children blame the grandparent for taking them from their parents. A parent that accuses the grandparents of “stealing” their child often encourages this belief. Often a parent will make up the excuse that it is you the grandparent who prevents them from seeing the child. It’s a lie and we all know it but to the child believing the lie is better than believing that Mom or Dad just plain don’t care. Sometimes it seems as if the children are just plain mad at us for not being their parents.
     Grandparents and special others raising these angry children are cast into the middle of this chaos they did not create but must still deal with. It isn’t right. It isn’t fair. But it is reality. When we agree to take in these children we agree to take their emotional baggage along with them. The older the children, the more emotional baggage they'll have had a chance to collect. Add to this mix the fact that children of alcohol- and drug-addicted parents, as well as children of parents who are unstable for other reasons, will bring with them more than their share of physical problems. Some have been born suffering the aftermath of pre-natal chemical abuse, which can have a wide variety of long-lasting effects. These may take the form of physical disabilities, mental or emotional disturbances, or perceptual, learning, or attention deficits. 
     It's natural for us to feel angry when we're being hurt in some way. When we become the targets for the anger the child feels due to a parent’s unreliable conduct the normal reaction is to fight back and scream, “It’s not my fault.” But to do this will nor help matters and may make matters worse. What every grandparent and special other needs to remember is that you did not cause these problems and that you must deal with the behavior without letting the emotions it evokes in you get in the way of progress.
Although no parenting grandparent should tolerate blatant disrespect, we need to be aware that the open expression of anger is not in itself disrespectful. Just because a child shows anger does not mean he or she is being disrespectful and doesn’t appreciate all you do for him or her. It simply means that something has the child confuse, angry and upset.  Giving an angry child support while still setting limits is the best way to help him get past the anger so you both can lead a more peaceful life. 

Here are some ways to deal with angry acting out children.
 

NEVER resort to hitting and physical punishment!
Hitting any child increases anger in the child. Hitting an already angry child is counter productive. Many of us come from a generation when spanking was thought to be proper discipline. Those days are past and we now know that physical punishment does not work. Discipline is supposed to teach children proper behavior. Since hitting is not socially acceptable behavior do not teach children by example that hitting is a way to exert power. Many of our children have come from abusive homes and we cannot teach them that abuse is wrong if we simulate that abuse by using physical punishment in our own homes. As adults WE may know the difference between child abuse and a spanking but to a child hitting is hitting plain and simple.

Give the child permission to be angry!
This may sound strange for one who wants to help an angry child get past anger suggesting that you give him or her permission to be angry but it works. Right or wrong the anger is there and by giving the child permission to express that anger and teaching them appropriate ways to express that anger prevents those uncontrollable outbursts we all hate. 

Know that anger is not a reflection of love.
When a child acts out due to anger it is not a personal attack on you. It does not mean that the child loves and respects you less. It simply means that the child is not dealing well with whatever caused the anger. If we equate anger as a diminishment of respect and affection we discourage the expression of the child’s anger in a respectful manner. 

Give your child anger tools!
Sometimes a child is so angry that they need a physical outlet to express that anger.  It is good to think of acceptable physical activities that a child can use as tools to vent their anger. Here are a few ideas.

· While it is unacceptable for your child to hit his brother it is not unacceptable for him to hit a sofa cushion with a fly swatter. (You get double benefit from this as while beating the sofa cushion he gets out all the dust.) 
· One grandfather I know gave his 10 year old some board and a pail of nails as tools. When the boy was angry he was encouraged to go out back, pound nails and build something. Invariably after a few minutes the boy got into his building project and his anger dissipated. 
· For some children writing is a good way to vent their anger.  Buy the child a cheap notebook, tell him or her that it is the anger book and promise never to read it. Then keep that promise.

Practice “Action Listening”! 
When you notice the child is beginning to act out you may be able to head off a crisis if you can find out what really is bothering him. “Action Listening” is when you engage a child in an activity that keep the hands busy but lets the mind relax. Many times a child will not open up when asked what is wrong but will talk when engaged in an activity. I learn more about what my granddaughter is feeling and what is happening in her life outside the home when we are baking cookies or coloring together. It is amazing the things a child will tell you when they are alone in the back seat of a car. 
Use time outs wisely!
When grandchildren are beginning to learn the rules and limits of our homes they make mistakes and act inappropriately. They need reminders and immediate consequences that respect their growing self-esteem and help them learn without embarrassment or an angry confrontation with you. Time out is an effective tool to help an out of control child gain control if used properly and not over-used. 

Rules for "Time Out"

1. Tell your child in a firm, controlled voice that he’s going to have a time out. 
2. Place your child near but separate from the desired activity.
3. Tell your child that he will have to sit quietly for as many minutes as his age; for example, a three-year-old sits for three minutes. 
4. Time out is not over until the child sits quietly for the set amount of time. 

In our house Danni knows time outs so well she will go sit quietly by herself in the time out area when she feels out of control. If I see her in the time out area without being sent here it is a sign that something is bothering her and that we may need to talk.

Give yourself a time out! 
Sometimes we are too angry at the misdeeds of our youngsters to deal with their behavior right away. Dealing with our own anger is best done before we try to deal with the anger and bad behavior of our children.  It is a wise person that knows when to not act. Giving ourselves time out helps us act rather than react. Every home should have a child free zone where an adult can go for a few minutes to collect his or her thoughts. 
Consider the impact of your statements and how a child views them!
Statements like “If that no good father of yours would pay his child support I could afford to buy you that toy,” may be true and even self-satisfying but some truths are more damaging than just staying silent. It would be better to say “I know you are sad and angry that you can’t have that toy right now. I am kind of sad that I can’t afford it too but maybe we can think of a way to save up some money so we can buy it soon.” A child needs to know that money is not unlimited but knowing about a parent’s refusal to support them just adds another burden of guilt and low self worth to the child.  From the child’s point of view the first statement says “I am a burden on my grandparents and not good enough for my parents to support me.”  The second statement says. “Grandma cares that I can’t have that toy and I can help her save money to buy it.”

Refrain from labeling! 
We tell our children all the time that name-calling is wrong yet sometimes we unwittingly do the same thing when we label a child. 
A child may lie but calling him a liar won’t stop that behavior. Putting a label on a child tells that child that you expect that type of behavior. It’s better to just say that you both know that story isn’t true and ask the child to start over. 
Sometimes the child will be responding to the names and labels that another person has put on them. A child that has been called stupid in the past may think there is no reason to try harder to succeed. We need to teach our children that there are stupid acts but not stupid people. 
Sometimes even a term of affection can be viewed as a label by a child. My friend Lynn’s Mom used to call her “chubby bubby”. It was cute when she was two but as a teenager she was always thinking she was too fat when her mother used that nickname. Even today at age 49 Lynn hates that nickname.
There are no bad boys or bad girls. There are just children who make mistakes and sometimes break rules. It’s more productive to deal with the behavior without belittling the child. 

Don’t be afraid to ask for help!
 Sometimes our children have been hurt so by their parents that it is almost impossible to heal without professional help. Taking your child to a professional counselor does not mean a failure in parenting. It only means you care enough to go the distance to help your child. 

     If we respond to a child’s pain anger with anger of our own we will do nothing to help the child heal and get past his or her problems. If we use the child’s anger as a springboard for discussion we can find solutions to help the child and have a more peaceful home and happier family.